In my previous tales I've mentioned in passing that the girls also do related jobs outside the stage. I thought it would be fun to expand on the concept a bit and describe their take on balloon-o-grams and musical deliveries.
The story is finished but still needs some final formatting and uploading, but here's the cover and relevant excerpt. I think this kind of services might be a hit with some!
It was just a matter of time before we got a request for what amounted to a private solo performance. But since it was pretty innocent - objectively speaking - there was no reason to decline. Except the obvious one. I had to ask Mandy if she was comfortable calling on an admitted admirer.
“Sure”, she said, “Long as I don’t have to go in. And maybe Liz could come along just in case.”
I turned to Betty, who shrugged. “Course I’ll go. What are friends for? I could even help blow up the balloons.”
“Noo! That’d be cheating!” Mandy exclaimed. “But thanks.”
“We can only charge for one, of course”, I stated on general principles.
“Well, duh. It’s not my gig anyway. We could go for coffee after or pretend it’s a playdate.”
Mandy looked disappointed. “Whaddya mean ‘pretend’?”
“Fine. I’ll bring my ponies.”
As for the actual job, the long-time fan had asked the blonde to do a song with some visual aids and Amanda insisted on us watching her rehearse to see if the timing would work. Despite her views on professionalism she didn’t decline assistance with inflating the eight practice balloons, though.
She started out by merrily popping one of the colorful metallics. Then she interpunctuated her singing with pin work.
‘Happy burstday to you! (pop)
Happy burstday to you! (pop)
Happy burstday (pop), happy burstday (pop pop pop)
Happy burstday (pop) to you!’
Nita looked thoughtful. “I don’t think you should start with a pop. End with one instead.”
“Yeah”, I agreed. “Builds anticipation that way.”
“That fourth pop broke the rhythm”, Tessa said. “The triplet was a good touch though.”
Alex nodded. “Maybe a little earlier, right on ‘burst’?”
“Ay! And same again for the last repetition!”
“It should be Poppy burstday”, Carrie grinned.
I was impressed. “Not bad! Try that the final time. Sounds more like a punchline than a repeat joke.”
“More surprising like that too”, Jo said.
Another set of balloons was blown up and Jo got surprised herself as one exploded in her face. Or maybe not. Hard to tell with that impassive expression. She kept the ruptured neck between her lips for a couple of seconds, then simply picked up a new loon and inflated it without any fuss. She’s likely the one with the most unfazed attitude to btp’s - in stark contrast with her lover who definitely reacts to them. Opposites attract, they say.
Mandy did another run-through including the suggestions and it was much better. So good in fact I considered including it in the show. We hadn’t nailed down all acts yet.
"That’s a nice idea”, Riko said. “You could ask if anyone is having a birthday when you introduce it. And tell them to pretend it is otherwise.”
“Who do you think should do it?” Sam asked.
Tessa smirked. “A lo mejor Kimber?”
The tall blonde gave a shrug. “Sure, if you buy the booze.”
Everyone knew Kim would only hit all the notes if tipsy. They still chuckled.
“I thought you could take turns. Swedish songbirds excluded of course.”
“She could blow up the balloons instead!” Carrie chimed in.
I quickly came up with something more democratic before the glare had a chance to turn nasty. “You can prepare one each before showtime. Fair?”
The whole thing turned into a general rehearsal, with a lot of puffing and popping and, yes, singing. Mandy suggested bringing in the tuba for accompaniment and since everyone could carry a simple tune on it by now we went with that, each singer taking over the big instrument for the next run. Ten balloons meant the song could end with a cha-cha-cha of pops over a decisive, final brassy bwaa and it was just the kind of effect we’d always gone for.
It was actually better than many of the things I’d spent hours devising. Story of my life.
Betty hefted the tuba after her successful tryout. “Can I bring this while chaperoning? To check the live effect.”
My eyebrows went up.“Of course, but it would be working for free.”
“If he’s a fan of our shows the look on his face will be priceless.”
We got the routine pretty much nailed down and on the agreed date I sent Amanda and Elizabeth off with some anticipation. I’d considered asking Charlie to tag along - our resident bouncer certainly wouldn’t mind some bodyguard duty - but that seemed going a bit far. At least getting the tuba on the bus wouldn’t be an issue as Betty had brought her car for the occasion.
They returned wearing satisfied grins with the uniforms. Betty tossed her cap on the table and shook out her hair.
“Score one for the visiting team”, she said and I knew we were in for a retelling. With Mandy as a witness it might not be too embellished.
The narrator leaned back in a chair and put her hands behind her head. They probably wouldn’t stay there for long.
“I’m happy to report there was no ‘cheating’ - Ames blew ‘em all up during the drive. Real professional too, made sure they were just the same size.”
I cocked my head. “Thought you were supposed to keep your eyes on the road.”
“Oh, I did. But you wouldn’t believe how many red lights we hit.”
“Must’ve made you feel at home”, Carrie said and was largely ignored.
“And even if I hadn’t seen it”, Betty went on, “the noise would have been enough. Big airy whooshes when putting the air in, tiny farts when letting some out.”
“Sure, blame the balloons.”
Mandy nodded seriously, now completely in her bimbo persona. “You have to fill them properly or people might think you’re bringing maracas.”
“Good acoustics in there too. Sounded like she was puffing her little heart out.”
“Oh, but I was!” the blonde assured. “I gave them all the air they could want. They looked so sad, all limp and wrinkled. Doesn’t it make you just want to blow them nice and full and all better?”
That was probably less of an act than it seemed. You could often find Mandy blowing up any stray balloon she came across and look extraordinary pleased with the result.
Nita agreed. “An empty loon’s not merely unfilled but unfulfilled.”
“Precisely! And I think being blown up makes them happy. They sure look happy!”
So did Mandy, and I would have made the obvious comment if Riko hadn’t beaten me to it. She seemed puzzled too.
“And yet you pop them.”
“Bursting is part of being a balloon!” the blonde explained. “Maybe even the purpose. So blowing to pop is doing them a real favor!”
I could see Carrie trying hard to hold back. This wasn’t Mandy speaking but May Explode, and making fun of alter egos was pretty pointless.
She shrugged and dropped the act, though. “But jokes aside, I love balloons. Blowing, looking at, playing, popping - all of it.”
This was true. She’d admitted the same at her audition and never done anything to contradict it. I made a note to put her in charge of the decorations for the premiere, not just ask for volunteers to follow my instructions as usual. Whoever wanted could help, of course.
Betty didn’t seem to mind that interruption. Her bestie causing it might have helped - and the fact it was part of their shared story. She effortlessly picked the thread back up.
“And all of that was plain as day as she sat surrounded by loons, blowing up more and more with eyes wide open. Guy next to us at an intersection missed the greens from staring at her. Shoulda heard the honking behind him.”
Alex cut in. “Hold on. I’ve seen your ride and there’s no way that many balloons and her would fit.”
Betty waved it off. “She didn’t have to keep them in her lap. Thank god for backseats.”
Carrie grinned. “You would say that”.
“Shame”, Kim said. “Had made a pretty nice airbag.”
“Already have two!” Mandy happily exclaimed and hefted her generous boobs.
The storyteller cleared her throat. “Anyway. We pulled up outside this duplex - he lived on the bottom. Floor”, she added to prevent any innuendo.
“As I hauled out the tuba I heard a biker approaching. Cyclist, that is. He sure was curious - kept looking over his shoulder even after passing. You’d think he’d never seen a lady handling a honker like that before. If he hadn’t been in such a hurry I’d been tempted to give it a real big blow just for him.”
That setup must have been a consolation prize for Carrie, who wasted no time saying “Business as usual then!”
Elizabeth hardly missed a beat. “We straightened our clothes” - she pulled on her jacket and adjusted her tie and cap for emphasis - “gathered our gear and went up to the door. A grey tabby greeted us and rubbed up against my leg.”
Kim nodded. “Better a cat than your client.”
Carrie turned to Mandy. “Please say it was really a dog and more humping than rubbing!”
“Sorry. Just a harmless kitty.”
“They do that too”, Sam chuckled.
Betty was strumming the table. “Hey - I’m talking here! As for said client, he must’ve kept watch at the window because we sure didn’t have to wait. He’d made an effort to look nice too.”
Tessa gave her a curious look. “And did he?”
By now Betty’s arms had been brought fully into play. She turned up her palms. “For a given value. He wasn’t hideous or anything. And not creepy at all, just a regular guy.”
“Kinda cute, in an awkward way”, Mandy said.
“Nailed it, Ames. That’s what he was. And happy to see us, which is always a plus.”
“Something in his pocket?”, Kim asked.
“No idea. But he was packing for sure, at least after the performance.”
“And during it?” I asked to move things along.
“Oh, you shoulda seen it. He was just about mesmerized by Ames and her loons but his eyes kept straying to me. Poor guy didn’t know where to look!”
I wasn’t surprised. Having her lips covered by the mouthpiece wouldn’t matter since Betty can pretty much leer with her eyes.
“To show him I’d noticed I winked at him. He turned red as a lobster!”
Mandy couldn’t resist shooting her down. “Lobsters are kinda grey-brown, Liz.”
“Red as a red lobster. You saw him change color, right?”
“Oh yes! He did turn red”, she nodded.
Betty looked smug. “Don’t think I can get that shade no matter how hard I blow. Not that I didn’t try, so he wouldn’t feel lonesome.”
She poured herself some coffee.
“Thought I’d treat it as a color-change contest but whaddya know, he wouldn’t meet my gaze. Even though it was just a friendly challenge.”
“Impressive”, I said. “All that in less than fifteen seconds or so.”
“I know, right? The cat was gone in two. Hope it wasn’t his. Anyways, when the last balloon had popped and I’d played the final note all that was left was for Ames to hand him the remains. And you said broken balloons make lousy gifts. Pff.”
“Yeah”, Amanda agreed innocently. “He seemed to like them just fine.”
“As for me, I just licked my lips. You know how dry they get.” She took a sip as if to prove they still were.
I raised an eyebrow. “So that’s it? Did you simply walk off or is there more?”
“Oh, that was just what we came to do. Want the rest?” she asked and would have sulked for a week if anyone had said no.
“Thought so. When he’d recovered and decolored he seemed to realize he should say something. What he managed was ‘Wow, that was fantastic! Thanks!’ “
“That’s not what I heard”, Mandy giggled.
“Well, that was the gist. And then he asked if he could take a pic. Stuttering but polite.”
Her partner came to the customer’s defense. “Not sure it was a stutter. Could have been ‘May, may I take a picture?’.”
“Shush, you’ll spoil the impression. And he didn’t use my stage name, did he? Aaanyway, we said sure, of course. Grinned real nice for him. And then this genius brought out two spares.” She beamed with second-hand pride.
“It was his birthday after all”, the blonde said.
Betty looked positively lascivious. “I’ve never seen a pair of eyes bulge as much as when I told him ‘Better film this, birthday boy’.”
“Was that all that bulged?” Carrie wondered.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, of course it wasn’t. Then we blew them all the way up - she made a couple of suggestive puffs - and to pop.”
“Ba-boom!” Mandy supplied.
Tessa raised an eyebrow. “And did he?”
“Not on the doorstep. But I can’t speak for after we left. He was thoroughly thrilled, almost exlubricant. Said it was the best birthday ever.”
“Exuberant.”
“Whatevs. And we got this for the tip jar!”
She brandished a twenty and I whistled. Token tips were par for the course, but this was a nice addition.
“You did go above and beyond the call of duty.”
“Left the cleanup to him, though - picking up the rubber confetti wasn’t part of the deal. But I figure he’s pretty much a guaranteed return customer. For the show if nothing else.”
“Point him out if he shows up”, Nita suggested. “So whoever does the birthday bit can wink and see if he does turn red.”
This met with general approval and Betty took a slight bow.
“You’ve been an audience. Thank you, I’ll be here all year.”
I checked the customer feedback that night and found they had probably been telling the truth. While we’d mostly had noncommittal recommendations, this one was glowing. Though ’I got all I could ask for and more’ meant I probably would have to trash even more requests. ‘Beyond the call of duty’ only went so far.
*End of excerpt. I can post the other balloon episodes here too if you'd like - if so, just leave a comment!
The story is finished but still needs some final formatting and uploading, but here's the cover and relevant excerpt. I think this kind of services might be a hit with some!
It was just a matter of time before we got a request for what amounted to a private solo performance. But since it was pretty innocent - objectively speaking - there was no reason to decline. Except the obvious one. I had to ask Mandy if she was comfortable calling on an admitted admirer.
“Sure”, she said, “Long as I don’t have to go in. And maybe Liz could come along just in case.”
I turned to Betty, who shrugged. “Course I’ll go. What are friends for? I could even help blow up the balloons.”
“Noo! That’d be cheating!” Mandy exclaimed. “But thanks.”
“We can only charge for one, of course”, I stated on general principles.
“Well, duh. It’s not my gig anyway. We could go for coffee after or pretend it’s a playdate.”
Mandy looked disappointed. “Whaddya mean ‘pretend’?”
“Fine. I’ll bring my ponies.”
As for the actual job, the long-time fan had asked the blonde to do a song with some visual aids and Amanda insisted on us watching her rehearse to see if the timing would work. Despite her views on professionalism she didn’t decline assistance with inflating the eight practice balloons, though.
She started out by merrily popping one of the colorful metallics. Then she interpunctuated her singing with pin work.
‘Happy burstday to you! (pop)
Happy burstday to you! (pop)
Happy burstday (pop), happy burstday (pop pop pop)
Happy burstday (pop) to you!’
Nita looked thoughtful. “I don’t think you should start with a pop. End with one instead.”
“Yeah”, I agreed. “Builds anticipation that way.”
“That fourth pop broke the rhythm”, Tessa said. “The triplet was a good touch though.”
Alex nodded. “Maybe a little earlier, right on ‘burst’?”
“Ay! And same again for the last repetition!”
“It should be Poppy burstday”, Carrie grinned.
I was impressed. “Not bad! Try that the final time. Sounds more like a punchline than a repeat joke.”
“More surprising like that too”, Jo said.
Another set of balloons was blown up and Jo got surprised herself as one exploded in her face. Or maybe not. Hard to tell with that impassive expression. She kept the ruptured neck between her lips for a couple of seconds, then simply picked up a new loon and inflated it without any fuss. She’s likely the one with the most unfazed attitude to btp’s - in stark contrast with her lover who definitely reacts to them. Opposites attract, they say.
Mandy did another run-through including the suggestions and it was much better. So good in fact I considered including it in the show. We hadn’t nailed down all acts yet.
"That’s a nice idea”, Riko said. “You could ask if anyone is having a birthday when you introduce it. And tell them to pretend it is otherwise.”
“Who do you think should do it?” Sam asked.
Tessa smirked. “A lo mejor Kimber?”
The tall blonde gave a shrug. “Sure, if you buy the booze.”
Everyone knew Kim would only hit all the notes if tipsy. They still chuckled.
“I thought you could take turns. Swedish songbirds excluded of course.”
“She could blow up the balloons instead!” Carrie chimed in.
I quickly came up with something more democratic before the glare had a chance to turn nasty. “You can prepare one each before showtime. Fair?”
The whole thing turned into a general rehearsal, with a lot of puffing and popping and, yes, singing. Mandy suggested bringing in the tuba for accompaniment and since everyone could carry a simple tune on it by now we went with that, each singer taking over the big instrument for the next run. Ten balloons meant the song could end with a cha-cha-cha of pops over a decisive, final brassy bwaa and it was just the kind of effect we’d always gone for.
It was actually better than many of the things I’d spent hours devising. Story of my life.
Betty hefted the tuba after her successful tryout. “Can I bring this while chaperoning? To check the live effect.”
My eyebrows went up.“Of course, but it would be working for free.”
“If he’s a fan of our shows the look on his face will be priceless.”
We got the routine pretty much nailed down and on the agreed date I sent Amanda and Elizabeth off with some anticipation. I’d considered asking Charlie to tag along - our resident bouncer certainly wouldn’t mind some bodyguard duty - but that seemed going a bit far. At least getting the tuba on the bus wouldn’t be an issue as Betty had brought her car for the occasion.
They returned wearing satisfied grins with the uniforms. Betty tossed her cap on the table and shook out her hair.
“Score one for the visiting team”, she said and I knew we were in for a retelling. With Mandy as a witness it might not be too embellished.
The narrator leaned back in a chair and put her hands behind her head. They probably wouldn’t stay there for long.
“I’m happy to report there was no ‘cheating’ - Ames blew ‘em all up during the drive. Real professional too, made sure they were just the same size.”
I cocked my head. “Thought you were supposed to keep your eyes on the road.”
“Oh, I did. But you wouldn’t believe how many red lights we hit.”
“Must’ve made you feel at home”, Carrie said and was largely ignored.
“And even if I hadn’t seen it”, Betty went on, “the noise would have been enough. Big airy whooshes when putting the air in, tiny farts when letting some out.”
“Sure, blame the balloons.”
Mandy nodded seriously, now completely in her bimbo persona. “You have to fill them properly or people might think you’re bringing maracas.”
“Good acoustics in there too. Sounded like she was puffing her little heart out.”
“Oh, but I was!” the blonde assured. “I gave them all the air they could want. They looked so sad, all limp and wrinkled. Doesn’t it make you just want to blow them nice and full and all better?”
That was probably less of an act than it seemed. You could often find Mandy blowing up any stray balloon she came across and look extraordinary pleased with the result.
Nita agreed. “An empty loon’s not merely unfilled but unfulfilled.”
“Precisely! And I think being blown up makes them happy. They sure look happy!”
So did Mandy, and I would have made the obvious comment if Riko hadn’t beaten me to it. She seemed puzzled too.
“And yet you pop them.”
“Bursting is part of being a balloon!” the blonde explained. “Maybe even the purpose. So blowing to pop is doing them a real favor!”
I could see Carrie trying hard to hold back. This wasn’t Mandy speaking but May Explode, and making fun of alter egos was pretty pointless.
She shrugged and dropped the act, though. “But jokes aside, I love balloons. Blowing, looking at, playing, popping - all of it.”
This was true. She’d admitted the same at her audition and never done anything to contradict it. I made a note to put her in charge of the decorations for the premiere, not just ask for volunteers to follow my instructions as usual. Whoever wanted could help, of course.
Betty didn’t seem to mind that interruption. Her bestie causing it might have helped - and the fact it was part of their shared story. She effortlessly picked the thread back up.
“And all of that was plain as day as she sat surrounded by loons, blowing up more and more with eyes wide open. Guy next to us at an intersection missed the greens from staring at her. Shoulda heard the honking behind him.”
Alex cut in. “Hold on. I’ve seen your ride and there’s no way that many balloons and her would fit.”
Betty waved it off. “She didn’t have to keep them in her lap. Thank god for backseats.”
Carrie grinned. “You would say that”.
“Shame”, Kim said. “Had made a pretty nice airbag.”
“Already have two!” Mandy happily exclaimed and hefted her generous boobs.
The storyteller cleared her throat. “Anyway. We pulled up outside this duplex - he lived on the bottom. Floor”, she added to prevent any innuendo.
“As I hauled out the tuba I heard a biker approaching. Cyclist, that is. He sure was curious - kept looking over his shoulder even after passing. You’d think he’d never seen a lady handling a honker like that before. If he hadn’t been in such a hurry I’d been tempted to give it a real big blow just for him.”
That setup must have been a consolation prize for Carrie, who wasted no time saying “Business as usual then!”
Elizabeth hardly missed a beat. “We straightened our clothes” - she pulled on her jacket and adjusted her tie and cap for emphasis - “gathered our gear and went up to the door. A grey tabby greeted us and rubbed up against my leg.”
Kim nodded. “Better a cat than your client.”
Carrie turned to Mandy. “Please say it was really a dog and more humping than rubbing!”
“Sorry. Just a harmless kitty.”
“They do that too”, Sam chuckled.
Betty was strumming the table. “Hey - I’m talking here! As for said client, he must’ve kept watch at the window because we sure didn’t have to wait. He’d made an effort to look nice too.”
Tessa gave her a curious look. “And did he?”
By now Betty’s arms had been brought fully into play. She turned up her palms. “For a given value. He wasn’t hideous or anything. And not creepy at all, just a regular guy.”
“Kinda cute, in an awkward way”, Mandy said.
“Nailed it, Ames. That’s what he was. And happy to see us, which is always a plus.”
“Something in his pocket?”, Kim asked.
“No idea. But he was packing for sure, at least after the performance.”
“And during it?” I asked to move things along.
“Oh, you shoulda seen it. He was just about mesmerized by Ames and her loons but his eyes kept straying to me. Poor guy didn’t know where to look!”
I wasn’t surprised. Having her lips covered by the mouthpiece wouldn’t matter since Betty can pretty much leer with her eyes.
“To show him I’d noticed I winked at him. He turned red as a lobster!”
Mandy couldn’t resist shooting her down. “Lobsters are kinda grey-brown, Liz.”
“Red as a red lobster. You saw him change color, right?”
“Oh yes! He did turn red”, she nodded.
Betty looked smug. “Don’t think I can get that shade no matter how hard I blow. Not that I didn’t try, so he wouldn’t feel lonesome.”
She poured herself some coffee.
“Thought I’d treat it as a color-change contest but whaddya know, he wouldn’t meet my gaze. Even though it was just a friendly challenge.”
“Impressive”, I said. “All that in less than fifteen seconds or so.”
“I know, right? The cat was gone in two. Hope it wasn’t his. Anyways, when the last balloon had popped and I’d played the final note all that was left was for Ames to hand him the remains. And you said broken balloons make lousy gifts. Pff.”
“Yeah”, Amanda agreed innocently. “He seemed to like them just fine.”
“As for me, I just licked my lips. You know how dry they get.” She took a sip as if to prove they still were.
I raised an eyebrow. “So that’s it? Did you simply walk off or is there more?”
“Oh, that was just what we came to do. Want the rest?” she asked and would have sulked for a week if anyone had said no.
“Thought so. When he’d recovered and decolored he seemed to realize he should say something. What he managed was ‘Wow, that was fantastic! Thanks!’ “
“That’s not what I heard”, Mandy giggled.
“Well, that was the gist. And then he asked if he could take a pic. Stuttering but polite.”
Her partner came to the customer’s defense. “Not sure it was a stutter. Could have been ‘May, may I take a picture?’.”
“Shush, you’ll spoil the impression. And he didn’t use my stage name, did he? Aaanyway, we said sure, of course. Grinned real nice for him. And then this genius brought out two spares.” She beamed with second-hand pride.
“It was his birthday after all”, the blonde said.
Betty looked positively lascivious. “I’ve never seen a pair of eyes bulge as much as when I told him ‘Better film this, birthday boy’.”
“Was that all that bulged?” Carrie wondered.
“Get your mind out of the gutter, of course it wasn’t. Then we blew them all the way up - she made a couple of suggestive puffs - and to pop.”
“Ba-boom!” Mandy supplied.
Tessa raised an eyebrow. “And did he?”
“Not on the doorstep. But I can’t speak for after we left. He was thoroughly thrilled, almost exlubricant. Said it was the best birthday ever.”
“Exuberant.”
“Whatevs. And we got this for the tip jar!”
She brandished a twenty and I whistled. Token tips were par for the course, but this was a nice addition.
“You did go above and beyond the call of duty.”
“Left the cleanup to him, though - picking up the rubber confetti wasn’t part of the deal. But I figure he’s pretty much a guaranteed return customer. For the show if nothing else.”
“Point him out if he shows up”, Nita suggested. “So whoever does the birthday bit can wink and see if he does turn red.”
This met with general approval and Betty took a slight bow.
“You’ve been an audience. Thank you, I’ll be here all year.”
I checked the customer feedback that night and found they had probably been telling the truth. While we’d mostly had noncommittal recommendations, this one was glowing. Though ’I got all I could ask for and more’ meant I probably would have to trash even more requests. ‘Beyond the call of duty’ only went so far.
*End of excerpt. I can post the other balloon episodes here too if you'd like - if so, just leave a comment!
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